It’s about three am and I still can’t manage to fall asleep. Instead, I have been lying in bed tossing and turning, staring at the ceiling fan spinning. Not only is it a miserable time for me, but it is in fact the misery I can’t seem to get away from. My mind won’t seem to release the pain. As hard as I try to let my feelings go, it’s always still right beside me. No matter where I turn the haunting thoughts fill my heart and stomach with pains I cannot shake. So instead of just lying in bed, like I have the past two weeks, I have decided to begin writing. Actually, I really have no choice. If I lay in bed any longer I might go insane.
So I guess now I am supposed to write about what I am feeling. I’m going to write about what put me in this quandary. I am sure what I am going through is something everyone goes through once in their lifetime.
“I really love her.” Yea, I have fallen into the trap called love. I had been with her for almost three years now but things are definitely not the way they used to be. It seems like all we do now is fight. Most of the fights aren’t even serious at first. They develop from such a tiny thing into this huge monster destroying everything we have that is good. The next thing I know, she begins to call me names and I try to be the bigger man by walking away. But walking away never solves the problem. It just gets worse. I always end up leaving her house. It’s like I get so sick of the fighting I rather be alone. She hates when I leave. She always asks me, “Is that what you’re going to do when we are married? Leave?” Marriage, yea ok. We can barely go through an hour without having some sort of argument.
Is this normal? I mean can people fight the way we do and still possibly grow together to live happily ever after? I for sure can’t see it happening. But I can definitely say one thing. After all the fighting, I definitely love her. It has been two weeks and I can barely tell if I am alive. If I couldn’t feel my pulse right now I would probably assume I am in hell. I pass through these days like a zombie. I go through the motions of my daily schedule waiting for the next day to begin. Each day hoping the next day I will have forgotten her. Forgotten about the pain.
John, I just discovered your site to honor your friend Matt, and I am deeply touched by your commitment to publish Matt’s words. I know nothing of Matt’s life so far other than this first and the most recent entry, but I plan to learn more. If any of us can live a better life as a result of reading through Matt’s words, his writing will not have been in vain. Best Regards, Dave