Memories of Matthew

Yesterday I woke up and got dressed to play some basketball with my friends. After we finished, Mike told me the guys were going to head over to his house just to hang out. I figured I would go just to keep myself busy. After playing, I ate dinner and got ready to head over to Mikes’.

In the middle of putting on my jeans, my phone rang. It was “the bitch”. I obviously didn’t pick up. Instead I kept on getting dressed until my phone made another noise. I looked at it and I had a voice mail. This was very different. Out of all the times we have been apart she had never once left a voice mail, no matter how many times she called. After listening to the voice mail I was in shock. She was outside.

She was outside my house crying on the phone begging me to come out. I was in shock. I didn’t know what to do. It was not like I could avoid her because my car was parked outside the front of my house. So after thinking for a bit, I called the guys to let them know I was going to be a little late. They told me to wait till she left and to ignore her, but after hearing her voice on the phone it got me remembering how I was. She reminded me how much torture my heart went through every aching night. I don’t believe anyone should go through that sort of pain. So I told my friends not to worry and that I would handle it.

After I got off the phone with them, I called her. She picked up the phone after two rings. She was crying so much I could not understand one word she was saying, so I told her to relax and that I would be outside after I finished getting dressed. After I was done getting ready, I opened the front door of my house. Even though it was getting dark, I could still see her car parked down the street. She got out and stared at me. I slowly walked down the street not letting my eyes leave hers for one second. As I made my way to her, I could see the tears in her eyes making their way down her face. Her make up was ruined, but still all I could think about was how beautiful she was. I always thought she was the most gorgeous girl in the world. Even when people said I could do better, I always thought there was nothing of the sort. She was perfect.

When I got up to her, she practically fell into my arms. While hugging me she cried out saying things like “I love you” and “I miss you so much.” I had no clue what I was supposed to do in this situation. All I could think to myself is “Why is this so fucking hard?” I told her to stop crying and I opened the car door. After she got in I did the same and we sat there for a whole hour talking.

Now after all the progress I have made I am back to square one. I don’t know what to do. The whole time we talked all she said was how much she wanted to be with me and how much I meant to her. All I could say was that if she loved me so much why did she feel the need to test the waters. Why did a couple of lousy dates have to bring her back to me. I told her about my depression. The torture I went through in my room. How I never left it until the day I went to her house. When I told her she cried and apologized. She said she did it because she wanted to get her mind off me, which is understandable from experience. I told her that we would meet again and talk it over later and she agreed. But she did request one last favor. She wanted a kiss. At first I thought hell no. But looking into her face I could only see love and beauty, so I gave in. And it was great. I had to let her leave quickly because with that sort of passion I had no clue what might happen next, and I didn’t want to make any hasty decisions. She told me before she left that she would not bother me, I would have to call her.

I have no idea what I should do next or what to tell her. God I hate life, and I hate love even more…