Memories of Matthew

So it seems like everything in the house is finally starting to cool down. Yesterday, my father actually spoke to me a little bit. He asked me if I registered for my fall courses yet. So it kind of broke the ice between us. I am just happy that he actually said something to me.

Today I hung out at Johns’ house. We had a deep conversation about my father and his obsession with religion. I basically told him exactly why I can not deal with religion, and how bogus I truly think it is. I seriously could write a book on all the reasons why I believe it to be fake. I’ve made a promise to myself that my next hobby I will concentrate on things other than “the bitch.” After everything she put me through, I still miss and adore her.

I think this is a great idea because after talking to John, he said he could sense how passionate I was about the topic. It is also a way to get my mind thinking about other things besides how screwed up my life is at this point. It is something I want to argue against because of my family situation and how annoying my father could be. It actually works out pretty well because John, although not a psycho like my dad, still has sense of faith, stemming from his family being Catholic. So we spent a lot of time trying to convince one another who was right.

It started when I told him how I hated my father and how he was driving me insane with all his preaching. John agreed with me, saying that my father was “pretty extreme”, but that “it all comes from a good place.” Well this was the exact point in which I started to ask myself questions such as “What the fuck is wrong with me?”. “What the hell does he mean by a good place.” “Am I the only person who sees something wrong with religion?”

So this is where my journey for the answer began. At this point, I started my quest to figure out if there was a problem with my thought process. I wanted to found out if it was me going insane, or if my dad was the crazy one. I have always had my doubts with religion and the idea of what people actually believe God to be, so I guess by writing about this I can start to figure things out for myself. My problem is that I always find a way to answer peoples’ questions, but I am never there for myself. So this time I’m going to find out who I really am and what I really believe because to be honest, I feel the meaning of life lies deep inside all of us. No one can answer this question but me, because um… well… it is my life, not theirs.

So I asked John what he thought God was. John knew I was up to something but still answered for me. He told me “He is the Creator of everything.” Right away I picked up on the fact he personified God as a man. Just like most people, they believe God to be a magical guy in the sky who directs our lives. To me, it proves no god created us, but in fact we created Him. We had to give Him human characteristics, because it is all we, as humans, know. So why not make Him out to be just like one of us. A god who gets angry and punishes… a jealous god… and a god who rewards his followers. I am positive I could find examples of all these characteristics in the bible.