Memories of Matthew

For some reason the power has been down all afternoon throughout the east coast. Rumor has it there was some terrorist attack or something. Who knows? With the world we live in now, it wouldn’t be a big surprise.

I never realized how much we rely on electricity. It practically runs everything I use. It’s actually sad. I think it is a good thing that we’ve had no power for awhile. It will show people how lucky we are. I guess what I am trying to say is that when you have something for such a long time, you begin to forget its importance. We begin to take things for granted. Kind of like “the bitch”. She never really understood how much I loved her till now. I’m guessing not having me around to pamper her and show her my affection has helped her to see just how much I loved her.

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I’ve gotta figure this out…

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Yesterday I woke up and got dressed to play some basketball with my friends. After we finished, Mike told me the guys were going to head over to his house just to hang out. I figured I would go just to keep myself busy. After playing, I ate dinner and got ready to head over to Mikes’.

In the middle of putting on my jeans, my phone rang. It was “the bitch”. I obviously didn’t pick up. Instead I kept on getting dressed until my phone made another noise. I looked at it and I had a voice mail. This was very different. Out of all the times we have been apart she had never once left a voice mail, no matter how many times she called. After listening to the voice mail I was in shock. She was outside.

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My hangover is finally starting to go away. I spent the day just lying around the house. After a night like that, it’s understandable I wasn’t in the mood to leave my room. Even getting out of bed was a challenge. I still think of Lisa constantly. I talk to my friends all the time but I don’t think they fully understand how I felt for her. Their advice for me is to stop thinking about her and just move on. I can’t. If it was that simple I would have done it weeks ago. Im so confused. I hate her but at the same time I cannot get her out of my mind.

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I woke up today with the worst hang over possibly conceivable by any man. Or at least that is how it felt. It was horrible. To be honest, I don’t even remember much of what happened last night. I don’t know whether I had a good time or not. But as some of my friends say, “if you can’t remember what you did, you must have done something right!” I spoke to my friend, Mike – the guy who invited me, earlier today. It pretty much sounds like I definitely didn’t have a good time. Basically, the whole night, my friends held me up in their arms while I puked my brains out. I do remember some things though.

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Lisa hasn’t called me once today. It is a strange feeling because even though I don’t want to talk to her, I still miss the phone ringing. I guess by her calling me I know she is thinking of me or something of the sort. Either way I wouldn’t pick up, it is just the point. Tonight I’m going to go to a party that some of my friends have invited me to. Hopefully I will meet some girl and forget about “the bitch”. If only things were that easy.

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I’m definitely starting to feel better. Well maybe not better but I am no where near the way I was a few days back. I am actually glad I went to her house yesterday. It gave me a reason to move on. It gave me a reason to stop missing her so much. Instead I have just replaced my love with hate. Seems to be working pretty well. I do feel stupid though. I feel stupid because of the way I was acting. It is amazing how silly this bitch can make me act. At least I know now I will never act like that again. I will never put myself in that position. All it does is make you look foolish.

She just called me saying she wanted to talk things over. She gave me the whole “I was thinking of you the whole time. Blah blah blah.” So I told her again very politely to fuck off.

I waited outside her house with a cup of coffee this morning. I made sure to order it exactly how she likes it: two sugars, very light and sweet with cream. Just one of the millions of memories of her that exist in my mind. I waited for two hours outside her home. The whole time I was smiling, I knew this was going to be a great day. Probably the best day I’ve had in the past month. I sat on her porch, letting the cool breeze of summer carry my pain away. I was able to see how helpless I am for her. Through all the pain and torture, I knew it was no way for any man to live. It is like I live to love her. And without that, I am nothing.

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It is another day inside my hell, and it seems to be my eternity. I thought as the days pass I would begin to feel better. Instead everyday I fall deeper into this bottomless pit. I no long understand the concept of joy. Happiness is a mere illusion which presents itself in the smiles of other people. Everyone seems so happy! Ready to live out their meaningful lives. It makes me feel sick. I truly miss the feeling but it is something impossible for me to remember. It is hard to enjoy pleasant memories when all they do is remind you of the pitiful thing you have become. The beautiful memories of the times me and her spent saddens me. This is so fucking difficult. I cannot put into words the amount of torture I am going through. I am so pitiful.

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