I am literally dying. I have no control over my emotions. I have spent the last two days crying. The walls of my room have become gates imprisoning me like a cell. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I cannot be here any longer. Instead, I drive as far as possible. I try and leave the pain behind. But it is too fast. Every time I stop it is right in front of me. Staring me in my face. All day I think about leaving this place. Being far away from her. It has come to the point that all I can do is cry. Cry myself to sleep. Cry until I have no tears. It hurts so much. Everything hurts. Wherever I am, whatever I am doing, I still manage to see images of her face constantly. They are haunting me. Stalking me down, knowing my every move.
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July 21st, 2006
Written July 21, 2003 by Matt
Posted by
John
I am right back where I started yesterday, in my room looking at a notebook and a desk. I look like shit and feel even worse. I know I need sleep, and so does my body. It is practically begging me for it. The ironic thing is right behind me is a comfortable bed with fluffy pillows and a comfy blanket. The bed stares at me and invites me to relieve my exhaustion. But when I accept its invitation nothing happens. My mind takes control of my body, not letting me find tranquility. It would rather have me lay there and fall into a deeper state of depression. Believe it or not, writing in this stupid notebook actually helps. It gives me some sort of hope or something. Well not hope, but it is more like it helps me relieve some of the emotions bottled up. I really don’t have people to talk to and the ones that I do I don’t want to bother with my stupid petty problems. I’m sure they have enough stuff to deal with in their own lives.
July 20th, 2006
Written on July 20th, 2003 by Matt
Posted by
John
It’s about three am and I still can’t manage to fall asleep. Instead, I have been lying in bed tossing and turning, staring at the ceiling fan spinning. Not only is it a miserable time for me, but it is in fact the misery I can’t seem to get away from. My mind won’t seem to release the pain. As hard as I try to let my feelings go, it’s always still right beside me. No matter where I turn the haunting thoughts fill my heart and stomach with pains I cannot shake. So instead of just lying in bed, like I have the past two weeks, I have decided to begin writing. Actually, I really have no choice. If I lay in bed any longer I might go insane.
